Who am I?

The juice IS worth the squeeze. Ive never gotten into so much trouble that i didn’t learn something from it. My most cataclysmic situations have taught me the most. I had a day when I wondered how I even have friends after all the unrest the people closest to me must go through. I had a moment yesterday that frightened me afterwards. I laid on the carpet all splayed out crucifixion style. I thought to myself how much force was holding me to that point. The work is spinning 1,000 miles per hour on its axis and orbiting the sun at 67,000 miles per hour and here I am unable to move. I felt claustrophobic for about 30 seconds and pondered the illusion of death and in those moments wanted a panoramic view of my situation. I contemplated taking my life. Not as a way out, but as a way IN. What is my place in all this? Perhaps when I wake up I will see it all more clearly. Occasionally the universe feels oppressive and robs me of any sense of adventure. Moments after this hell I realize I have nothing to lose and everything to learn. Missing out on a trip to Japan or never having children seems like a momentary disappointment. I don’t even know how long my “ life” is. I have a vague idea of how long this body will last but no idea what memories are locked away in the 90% of my brain I can’t access. I can’t even remember everything I did yesterday! I suppose my frustrations mainly stem from here. I know I know the answers. I just can’t remember- Days like this I remember why I shouldn’t use drugs. As a sober very happy human I still can get so worked up over mental gymnastics that I ponder taking my life- Not that I would, but it does seem brave for a moment. I understand why people take that quantum leap off a building… Just to meet the wizard behind the curtain. I have always looked at life as something to be grateful for. I can see that just living until the end requires a lot of faith, you hope that when the big finger hits restart you won’t have to face the same trials again.