Who am I?

The juice IS worth the squeeze. Ive never gotten into so much trouble that i didn’t learn something from it. My most cataclysmic situations have taught me the most. I had a day when I wondered how I even have friends after all the unrest the people closest to me must go through. I had a moment yesterday that frightened me afterwards. I laid on the carpet all splayed out crucifixion style. I thought to myself how much force was holding me to that point. The work is spinning 1,000 miles per hour on its axis and orbiting the sun at 67,000 miles per hour and here I am unable to move. I felt claustrophobic for about 30 seconds and pondered the illusion of death and in those moments wanted a panoramic view of my situation. I contemplated taking my life. Not as a way out, but as a way IN. What is my place in all this? Perhaps when I wake up I will see it all more clearly. Occasionally the universe feels oppressive and robs me of any sense of adventure. Moments after this hell I realize I have nothing to lose and everything to learn. Missing out on a trip to Japan or never having children seems like a momentary disappointment. I don’t even know how long my “ life” is. I have a vague idea of how long this body will last but no idea what memories are locked away in the 90% of my brain I can’t access. I can’t even remember everything I did yesterday! I suppose my frustrations mainly stem from here. I know I know the answers. I just can’t remember- Days like this I remember why I shouldn’t use drugs. As a sober very happy human I still can get so worked up over mental gymnastics that I ponder taking my life- Not that I would, but it does seem brave for a moment. I understand why people take that quantum leap off a building… Just to meet the wizard behind the curtain. I have always looked at life as something to be grateful for. I can see that just living until the end requires a lot of faith, you hope that when the big finger hits restart you won’t have to face the same trials again.

1 thought on “Who am I?

  1. Why wine? Like me, it suffers from the slow steady inevitable decline. “I like to think about the evolution of wine with my favorite topic, time. I love how it was once a breathing thing. During its life it stops breathing oxygen, and this ironically keeps it alive even longer. This makes it different than us, well some of us anyway. Oxygen is both a necessity and a detriment to wine. Wine is a living paradox. Sounds a lot like my life now. Too much dissolved oxygen will make the wine degrade too quickly. Like us, they have identified the ‘sweet spot’ for oxygen-to-wine ratio’s. For wine its 8.6 ppm. A winemaker’s touch can greatly affect the resulting flavor of wine. I like to think about what was going during the seasons the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; and if it rained too much. The moment the grapes are picked is a pretty big deal. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes on that very day. Picking earlier will produce wines with higher acidity, lower alcohol and perhaps more green flavors and aromas. This will give the wine an edge because of tannins. Its kinda like life. Peak to early and you might fuck it up. If you are patient, you might create a masterpiece from new juice. New juice can become great old wine if we manage its time well from how we master the process. Picking later in the harvest season will produce wines with lower acidity, higher alcohol. More alcohol leads to sweetness. Booze can bring temporary bliss in a glass or a life. Wine, travels time like life in ways. Sweetness subdues the tannin and bitterness. Wine again, follows life. I like how wine continues to evolve in the bottle. This too recapitulates life. Every day our life has different tastes, feels, smells, or touches. It is kinda like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different today than if I’d opened it on any other day. Life is a lot like wine when you think about it, because wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. Wine also has a past due date. Like us, it peaks, and then it begins its steady, inevitable decline to its own death. Yep, it is a lot like us. You know what else reminds me of wine? Before the decline it tasted so fucking awesome —-Time Keeper

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