The radiation guy said I should stop working and look to the ‘Quality of life’
The ‘quality of life was working, working was watching the Burmese Roustabouts turn to face the monsoon and following their lead, getting hammered by torential rain with no choise but to stand it thru, then the decks steamed the water and we watched the natural unavoidable move down stream on the Yangon, ‘quality of life’ was the knowlage you could live around things you cannot change.
like the Dick with a bolder between him and a woman he cannot touch and talk to only from a distance. the two of them inspireing in their ability to scale or climb the vertical but helpless to close the short distance on level land. like the Burmese roustabout you have to honor the knowlage your quality of life will be standing thru things you cannot change. Places and people we hate to leave,
There is a term in programming called “Robust to failure” it means every system has a breaking point-failure point… the goal is to run the program at its limit just before collapse and then design procedures to explain how to fix it again when it goes tits up. I have spent years thinking I didn’t have years. Tho we crash many times, we run right up to the edge of life because robust is all we know. -theDick
The woman I date is like me but with a kid so less me more them. When visitors go to Jerusalem and experience the holy land there is a mental illness that attaches to some of the tourists. Its called Jerusalem Syndrome- The person believes they are the new Messiah and that God has chosen them as the coming Savior. There is a wing of the hospital in jerusalem for these people. The best treatment is to introduce them to each other. “I am the Messiah”, “No, I am the Messiah” They get annoyed with each other and somebody snaps out of it. Why do I snap out of love? I wake up as hard as I fell in… its weird and savage. It is not lack of connection, compassion or commitment that makes my heart float on like jetsam. It is fear of the shallow slackwater. I was born to swim in the deep and wide. If I drown it will be tempest, not indifference that takes me. Like a man lost at sea he was not defeated, he was swallowed whole. That doesn’t happen in the shallows, but all the best stories are deep. -theDick
I return from the clinic and have been droped from the study, they would like to see more progress and the new drug does not do it.
so what, lets just life, for however long. let them not find us hanging from a tree but havein lived till life was no more
The puddle of breath accumulates in my muscles
affording the cough that might clear the room to build a life.
My cough is my hammer.
My cough is my hammer.
Hammer. Gasp. Hammer, Hammer.
The question is how best to spend your time with bankrupt lungs? The struggle is for efficiency and to slow down your favorite parts of the cycles you find yourself in. How can I stretch time? My body is damned to the speed of trot but my mind fires hot, hotter than trot, faster than death. This lump of fat in my head is responsible for my momentum. It is as important to my progress as the finest medicine. The cure is in me. My mind doesn’t know its limited until my body convinces it otherwise. The sting of “can’t” is swallowed to a bitter stomach. The rage is digested and beaten while hot into a tool i’ll gouge my way out of this hell. If I go it won’t be quiet, it will not be dignified.
Perhaps the biggest contradiction about me is the illusion of freedom. I cannot go one day without meds to help me breathe or enzymes to help break down and absorb the food I eat. For years I try to explain to people what is different about my body. I learned to speak of my lungs as rebellious children who argue and need poisoning from time to time. In a world of pill prophets and sooth-huffers I’m chained to the tools of medicine. Blessed with a compass that always points to life I weigh my stubbornness against the spirit that inspires.
Tomorrow I go into the den of disease to look for life. I hate hospitals- you have to convince a drowning man who wants to live to stop swimming. I’m no good at sitting still and waiting to be saved.
I work my tail off to make gifts for strangers and feel like a zombie at family holiday functions. Seems backwards. When I did find it in myself to come out of my shop and socialize I got way too tipsy with mixed company and decide to climb a billboard like the old days. The catwalk is 50ft from the ground and she has gracefully slipped up the thin ladder and waits for me. A few rungs from the top i look up just as a nest of squirrels begins to scream and run all over me. I swat with one arm and leg and holdfast with the other. Squirrels are caught in my hair, one bit my lip and one ran down my arm scratching and jumped for the nearby tree. Yes my lip was bleeding the girl was laughing and crying and I was well… frightened and thankful I hadn’t let go. Its nighttime and I’m tipsy- we covered that right? Well there I was with a beautiful woman counting my scrapes and thinking I should google early onset rabies symptoms. Luckily she had seen it all, it would be our secret. Our “others” would never understand why we were there together in the first place. I felt like a man having fought off 3 acrobat rats on a high-rise billboard. Hear my roar little rat!
The juice IS worth the squeeze. Ive never gotten into so much trouble that i didn’t learn something from it. My most cataclysmic situations have taught me the most. I had a day when I wondered how I even have friends after all the unrest the people closest to me must go through. I had a moment yesterday that frightened me afterwards. I laid on the carpet all splayed out crucifixion style. I thought to myself how much force was holding me to that point. The work is spinning 1,000 miles per hour on its axis and orbiting the sun at 67,000 miles per hour and here I am unable to move. I felt claustrophobic for about 30 seconds and pondered the illusion of death and in those moments wanted a panoramic view of my situation. I contemplated taking my life. Not as a way out, but as a way IN. What is my place in all this? Perhaps when I wake up I will see it all more clearly. Occasionally the universe feels oppressive and robs me of any sense of adventure. Moments after this hell I realize I have nothing to lose and everything to learn. Missing out on a trip to Japan or never having children seems like a momentary disappointment. I don’t even know how long my “ life” is. I have a vague idea of how long this body will last but no idea what memories are locked away in the 90% of my brain I can’t access. I can’t even remember everything I did yesterday! I suppose my frustrations mainly stem from here. I know I know the answers. I just can’t remember- Days like this I remember why I shouldn’t use drugs. As a sober very happy human I still can get so worked up over mental gymnastics that I ponder taking my life- Not that I would, but it does seem brave for a moment. I understand why people take that quantum leap off a building… Just to meet the wizard behind the curtain. I have always looked at life as something to be grateful for. I can see that just living until the end requires a lot of faith, you hope that when the big finger hits restart you won’t have to face the same trials again.
Stars are born within clouds of dust and scattered throughout most galaxies.
Turbulence deep within these clouds gives rise to knots with sufficient mass that the gas and dust can begin to collapse under its own gravitational attraction. As the cloud collapses, the material at the center begins to heat up. Known as a protostar, it is this hot core at the heart of the collapsing cloud that will one day become a star. And all the world will love you just as long as you are.
The process to becoming a star sounds like the making of a man…or like the evolution of love that untied the knots of lust and steam that we thought held us together. We are bound by that crushing gravity that drives the attraction that pushes us to love what is hard to be close to. Freedom is realizing you don’t have to fight the current, you can ‘float on’ as a wise young woman taught me. I want to trust the current, perhaps one day. Until then, I just want to shine until I nova.
the days quotations:
We are not over the hill… we built the hill- Old.man.&theSea.