Out of the blue sometimes I’ll get 28 text messages from Alex. Its a complicated rhythm, something you wouldn’t dance to…you kinda have to sit down to read it. The message was thick yesterday- concern for the sailor, the disappointment of a child who knows she won’t get married in time for her daddy to walk her down the isle. I think we all felt some of that “holy shit I didn’t get to do that yet” feeling when he said Bone Cancer. Death does have a certain finality to it I don’t care what you profess to believe, turning the page on this life makes one think. Gratitude is what I saw in his face. Soon the mysteries of the universe and the deepest oceans of thought will be his. I am not jealous of his price but I am anxious for the prize- to know ones place in things. Some stride toward death like its a climax to life, others fall and crumble at the door. “Even the way down will be an adventure” he told me. Indeed my friend, breathe it in.
I recently bought an old alarm clock, it must be wound up every 8 days and seems to keep accurate time so long as i transfer some energy to wind a turnkey. A funny noise began singing from the little clock and I asked myself how long it had been since I owned a clock that ticked? Seemed rather annoying to be near it the first day. Even this morning I herd it and thought… I don’t know why at first I thought this sound was genius, then annoying so I banished it to a room I don’t sleep in. It’s really quite telling- it tells time. For better or worse it drones on behind me as I make breakfast and I pondered these thoughts. We have silenced our clocks and watches. Its easier to get lost in the day without the ticking, time seems to get swallowed up in big gulps by activities that take too long and have no real importance. If this laptop of mine would tick i bet i’d spend less time on it. I suppose we have decided that time it’s ugly and we don’t want to hear it or acknowledge it. We expect our faces to remain timeless and obsess over youth. Our bodies break down gradually; some grown older faster because of disease. Others float on carelessly until they hear or see time as evidence of mortality. The tick of time of time can be painful until it is granted the ability to change you. When you don’t fight time you won’t waste it either. You will collect people and activities to spend your seconds that really matter. Some of us hear the ticking before others and begin to live with intention early on. Its not fear that drives time, if it is… your best moments will end too quickly and your worst nightmares will seem like forever. Our time should be filled as the Exquisite Bastard says “with intense achievement”. How can i invest my time? College for example seemed to gulp years of my life- to finish it was an achievement, but this war of attrition is not what I speak of. There is little difference here than the man who tolerates his job only to get a paycheck on friday. Its not intense achievement to merely survive till friday so you can afford to put beer on the table. Finding joy in the journey is the only logical way I consider the destination worth it. For the Christian whose life was hell in pursuit of heaven; i’d say you missed your mark. We must make ourselves happy, not wait to be acted upon by something else or some impending future reward. To the sceptic who could find nothing beautiful because nothing was perfect. Know that time will scoff at perfection. The body you complain about might not be perfect; but just think how different time will pass if you instead remind yourself that you will never be more beautiful than you are today. We must push and pull ourselves as this tiny clock does, measuring each moment by the ecstasy we were able to pry from idleness. Our movement and breaths are counted and should be treasured. We should spend them wisely and with gratitude share our time with those that matter. It’s not fear that drives us… it’s gratitude. tick..tick..tickkk